Being Mentally Ill & Being Okay With It

Hello everyone – long time, no see.

It’s been too long since I wrote something for myself, so here I am, writing a personal blog post again because it felt like the right thing to do.

*Disclaimer* – considering that I am sharing this on platforms where people know me or know of me for a number of reasons, I would just like to remind you that this blog is a completely personal platform and that I am sharing all of this with the intentions of practising honesty, transparency and connection; particularly in light of it being Mental Health Awareness month, and that I have spoken about my mental health struggles online before (in case anyone may think I am doing this for some other reason).

Two Anniversaries

This month marks the one-year anniversary of choosing myself and leaving my full-time job to work more on myself. I got a Diploma in Digital Marketing and went back to freelancing – and since then, I have had a number of professional opportunities that I am very grateful for and have helped me further realise my direction in terms of my career and the impacts of it on the wider community and society.

What this last week also represents, however, is the first full month of being on anti-depressants and antianxiety medication upon receiving an official diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Depression, after many years of experiencing this disorder without an official diagnosis.

Whilst the past month has been a challenging time, it has also been one filled with a lot of relief, clarity, practising self-compassion, being more open to support, as well as being more transparent about my struggles.

My Journey

Suffice it to say, I’ve been struggling with mental illness for a while, and gaslit myself for many years thinking that I didn’t need medication. However, things regarding my mental health were beginning to look better – especially in 2022. I was being bold, doing things in my own time, genuinely feeling good about the future and the possibilities, and pushing myself more outside my comfort zone. I had high hopes, and I was willing to face and take on the challenges that were coming my way.

Furthermore, I was fighting, and I would keep fighting for the causes and future I believed in, despite the fact that my mental health struggles were still influencing how much I could give of myself – but therapy was helping with this.

However, 2023 has been a different story – and ultimately showed that I needed to make some big changes in my life in order to truly help myself. Things changed for the worse in the past few months. A number of environmental factors and personal challenges greatly impacted me to the point that I was terrified of posting online, and at some points, even going outside. I could barely eat or sleep. I could no longer rely on my resilience, and I was tapped out.

All of this greatly impacted my ability to function at many levels, with therapy no longer helping the way it used to. I needed to look at other options. So, I did, and I am so grateful to my therapist and my GP for listening to me and giving me the healthcare I needed so quickly and efficiently.

Baby Steps

I am happy to write that I am in a much better state of mind and that I am generally feeling more positive about my life and my future. I am still not at 100% yet though – I haven’t picked up a book in months, posting online is still a challenge (which, as you can see, I am working on), and I’m slowly coming back to embracing what my therapist and I lovingly call my “inner badass”. It also turns out that I can still be bold and ballsy from time to time.

It is okay to be struggling with your mental health, and it is okay to be honest about experiencing mental illness and its impact on our lives. We need to talk about these things more and give them the importance that they need. The more we do, the better off we will be as people, as communities, and as a society. Getting the necessary support that you need is vital for your overall well-being, whatever that looks like. As long as it works for you; be it medication, therapy, or movement.

But we also cannot forget that people’s experiences with mental health struggles and mental illness will differ. My experience cannot speak for everyone who is on medication, has been diagnosed with GAD and depression, and has been through similar struggles. We need to be open to different perspectives as well as honour the fact that only those who are going through the illness or struggle will understand what is best for them, and what they need to succeed. Our voices need to be given the impact they deserve.

I can honestly say that though there are many people who preach about understanding, diversity, and mental health; the ableism and toxicity that I have personally witnessed coming from those same spaces – it has taken a toll, and has dramatically impacted my ability to be present and succeed both professionally and personally. This is something which also needs to be addressed at a larger scale, and I hope my words and experience will be a start.

So, here I am, taking one step at a time, embracing my new reality and all that comes with it. As long as I keep doing so, I know that I’ll be okay.  

If you’ve read all of that, thank you – I greatly appreciate it. Also, if you’ve ever been through something similar, please know that you are not alone and it’s okay to talk about it. We need to hear more of these stories.

Until next time,

Alexia x